i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
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