I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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