woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
