My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
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also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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