Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Pants are for mortals
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
