Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
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