I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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