he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
Randomize
