Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Randomize
