he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
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