dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
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