when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Randomize
