I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Randomize
