You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Randomize
