So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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