I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Randomize
