My nipple is on Facebook.
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
Randomize
