Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize
