I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
