he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Randomize
