The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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