i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Randomize
