Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Randomize
