So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
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