I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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