There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
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