I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Randomize
