my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
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