shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
