so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
