Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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