well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Randomize
