fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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