the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
