i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Randomize
