I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
