4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Randomize
