Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
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