I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
