I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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