I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
is it normal that we went to that class once and both got 100's on the final? ohhhh, arizona state.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
