I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
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he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
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