I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
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Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
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So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Randomize