Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
