in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
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