just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Randomize
