when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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