idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Randomize
