just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Randomize
