Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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