My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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